I stopped making videos of our family last spring. I felt like I was lying to myself and to the world and most of all to my kids. What would they think as they remember some uncomfortable behind the scenes from this time when they grow up. The past 3 years was quite the hurdle for us, since last year it reached a tipping point, it always gets messiest before things start getting better right? And in a marriage it gets so messy at one point because we rediscover each other, and realize it some things are not my fault, some people bring so much baggage into a marriage and it’s sometimes the spouses destiny to help declutter that baggage for the other. Its a strange lesson of forgiveness, boundaries and responsibility and love, and also cutting off things that might seem heartless to bystanders but completely necessary for the people involved in this treatment process.
It is the new year, a new decade, but sadly things are not cleanly resolved as I wish with the new year happening, but slowly things are recovering, we don’t see the end of it, but we feel the light. I look back and I know making these videos are not a lie. This hummingbird mother came to us with her eggs at a time things were scary as F. It was right before Mr.B had the hardest time, and all the stubborn gunk from the past that seemed impossible to treat made him back fire at his recent efforts in the most terrifying ways.
I look back now and see how hard we loved one another and hung onto one another. In the trenches we were heroic. My poor 3 little ones, kept me strong in a unreal way and I was able to protect them and help them understand things that should be difficult. I didn’t want them to hate their dad or think they are from a cursed bloodline. We were the best possible people for each other last year. This hummingbird project saved us also. Literally we saved each-others families.
Right now I am used to keeping myself put in a mold of responsibility and expectations, but I miss my most inner-self that I am when I am with people I feel the most safe with. I have put her away. I mourn for her already because I am not sure if I will see her again at all, and I mourn for my past unwavering hopes and dreams I had as a family I always thought we would grow to be. Is this an illness with a cure? I have heard people heal and get better and get back to being the parent and spouse they can be, but these people had much shallower life scars. Scars that came along from people and situations after becoming an adult.
I had some hope left before the holidays of 2019, but I am so exhausted now, is there really a cure for things that were carved into some people since infantry? Anyways, my 3 little ones were such rocks for me, so I should at least pretend I can see the light through this tunnel. I have decided I need to put meanings into these pretty times like I just did now. We made happy times happen in spite of the crazy traumatic events going on. And look, I am writing again, I am able to talk to my most innerself that I was mourning for.
The hummingbird video comes first. Because it’s proof that the universe came together to help our family be strong.
This place is my getaway. When you travel, you are a stranger to this new place but amazingly you are free to be your most another brave and true version of yourself you forget to be so often when you are bound in your everyday responsibilities. I feel like I can be embarrassingly brave and naive here. So I will shout out in this space! Whatever decisions I have to make to keep my kids and myself have a strong healthy future, I will make myself find the way… I will not let my kid be cursed as well… shoo all ghosts and demons. As their mother I will only allow things that go into the same category of rainbows and baby hummingbirds in their lives, thats a promise I mean to keep!