Videologue #25. Damien’s 9th Harry Potter Birthday

Sometimes I try to look back hard and remember what I can about my childhood.  It would be great study material, every mistake and achievement and emotion, all the interactions with family and buddies and strangers that came along with all my little experiences. When I wish to steer myself more efficiently in so many unsure parenting moment with my 3 little ones I look back trying to remember a similar situation. It turns out I don’t remember much. It’s just bits and pieces. I thought I would at least remember a whole chunks of mornings or afternoons, or at least really important life changing conversations my parents had taken the time to have with me, but sadly no. If I put all the bits and moments of all the memories I have as a little girl, I feel the whole length of the memory won’t even add up to a day. All priceless work of parents, the little kids living hard in their own unique way, these of course are probably are not going to waste or anything but it would be wonderfully helpful if we could remember it all!!!

golden snitch cookies
golden snitch cookies
Harry Potter Goodie bag
Harry Potter Goodie bag

I seem to remember some moments of the ski trips we would take to Tahoe, or the sleepovers I used to have with my cousins who lived nearby, and the Korean restaurant we were a regular at. That probably means a favorite destination we go periodically stays forever near our hearts with sentimental value than a one time trip to a certain place. So family traditions, is of course so important for us right? Maybe my kids will remember their birthday cookies and cakes I would make for them every year, because this has somehow became our special day tradition, hasn’t it ? This birthday trip to Universal Studios, will he remember it? He was such a big Harry Potter last year, he did seem to have moved on to other books this year but he still was completely excited about our suggestion of taking a birthday trip to the Universal Studios Wizarding World of Harry Potter.

harry potter butterbeer
harry potter butterbeer

How emotional you can get when all your littles are asleep…. especially when I have time to think about how big they are now, like now as I am posting this video of Damien’s Birthday this year.

Damien is 9! I think of him as one of the founding members of our family. We may have started this family as husband and wife but he is the one that made us parents, and he went through all the trial and errors with Mr.B and myself, on the way to becoming the family we are today. We are so proud of him, we cant lie about having ski high expectations for him, because he so much deserves it. He has all the love we learned through struggle, and he gives us such serious love back to us.. bigger than we deserve.

Wizarding World of Harry Potter
Wizarding World of Harry Potter

We only have 8 summers left with him, or is it 9? His birthday always marks the beginning of summer vacation. We have so few precious summers left with him, less than the years we have spent with him. This might even be his last summer that we can still call him our innocent baby. I hope I make the most of what I have left of his childhood with him during these summers I love so much because I have him to myself to mold, to make marks on him that shows the world he is my child. 9 more summers that I can pass on what I have in myself. I make sure during the summers I make some special projects for him to compensate for his hard work and efforts that normally get taken for granted in most everyday moments as being the first born and the older brother to 2 little sisters. Please let me remember everyday that this may be the last summer of when I can still call my son Damien my little boy. That will be my prayer for this summer.

Harry Potter Birthday Cake
Harry Potter Birthday Cake

방향감을 잃을 것만 같은 혼란스러운 육아 순간들이 오면, 어린시절을 돌이켜 들춰가며 비슷한 순간을 기억하려고 애 쓸때가 많다. 어린 나의 실수와 성취들, 그 시간을 지배하는 감정과 가족들과 소통했던 방식을 모두 기억할 수 있다면 육아하면서 많은 참고가 될텐데, 아쉽게도 그 많은 세월 중 조각조각만 기억날 뿐, 굵직하게 반나절씩 혹은 사건 하나씩 통째로 기억나는 것이 하나도 없다. 기억나는 시간의 조각과 순간들을 모두 합쳐놔도 24시간이 되기나 할까 싶어 허무한듯 슬픈 감정이 들기까지 한다.

매년 레이크 타호로 갔던 스키 여행, 그리고 근처에 살던 사촌들 집에서 하룻밤씩 자고 놀았던 기억, 단골로 다녔던 한국음식점.. 이런 곳들이 자주 떠오른다. 반복적으로 자주 등장하는 추억의 장소들이 의미롭게 남나보다. 그렇다면 내가 어쩌다 만들어버린 우리 5가족의 전통이라고나 할까, 그런 것들이 우리 아이들에게 남는 것이라면… 생일과 특별한 날들마다 만들어준 쿠키 정도는 그들 기억에 남겠지? 반복적으로 간 곳이 아니기 때문에, 데미안 9번째 생이로 간 유니버설 스튜디오의 해리포트 월드에 대한 기억은 희미해지는 것일까? 작년까지도 해로포터에 푹 빠져있던 데미안, 올해는 다른 책들로 넘어가기는 했지만, 여전히 유니버설 스튜디오 해로포터 월드를 생일파티 치루는 것 대신 가는 것에 대해 그는 흥분하며 기대했었다.

꼬맹이들이 잠든 후에는 엄마 마음이 센티해진다. 특히 생일 즈음이라 그들이 얼마나 컸나에 대한 생각이 머리를 떠나지를 않을때는 더더욱 그렇다. 꼬맹이들 잠둔 후 데미안 생일 동영상 작업을 하던 중에 센티해지는건 당연했다.

만 9살이 된 데미안. 데미안은 우리 가족의 창립멤버 중 한명이라 나는 생각하게 됐다. 나와 Mr.B가 먼저 만나 만든 가족이라 할 수 없고, 데미안이 태어난 이후 우리는 진짜 가족이 되는 방법을 배우기 시작했고, 가족을 만들어가는 초보자들의 시행착오 속에 우리 둘 만큼이나 데미안도 그 한가운데에 있었다. 데미안이 자랑스러울때가 그가 실감 못할때가 많지만 우리는 데미안이 자랑스럽고, 데미안은 특별한 그릇이라고 우리는 믿기 때문에 그에 대한 기대치는 하늘을 치솟는건 사실이다. 진통속에서 생겨난 부모의 사랑을 그는 받으며 자랐고, 데미안은 우리에게 묵직하고 진지한 사랑을, 우리가 과연 받을 자격이나 있을만한 그런 사랑을 데미안은 우리에게 갖고 있다는 것이 항상 느껴진다.

Harry Potter Magic Wand
Harry Potter Magic Wand

8번인지, 9번인지, 그와 함께 보낼 여름방학은 열손가락 넘지 않은 횟수가 되었다. 데미안 생일은 언제나 여름방학의 시작을 점찍는다. 너무 귀해진 그와의 여름방학. 어쩌면 남들 보기 낯간지럽지 않게 그를 우리 애기라고 부를 수 있는 그의 순수한 여름이 이번이 마지막일지도 모른다. 최선을 다한 여름을 보내고 싶다. 나는 여름방학이 너무 좋다. 아이들을 내가 가진 것들로, 나만의 방식으로 빚고, 나의 아이라는 자국을 그들에게 남기는 작업을 본격적으로 할 수 있는 시기이다. 평소에 항상, 첫째이자 두명의 어린 여동생에게 오빠인 데미안의 포지셔닝과 산고를 당연시하게 여기게 되는 것에 대한 보상을 해주기 위해 매년 여름 그와 특별한 여름 프로젝트를 하는데, 올해는 작년 보다 더 특별하게 그와 그 시간을 가질 수 있도록, 얼마 남지 않은 여름 중 하나라는 사실을 매년 기억하며 그와 여름을 보낼 수 있게 해달라고 기도하며 지내야겠다. 그 기도가 내 2018 여름을 지배할 수 있도록!

Author: lalaladaylight

About myself. I was a Child of Norcal. I marked my first blank sheets of life in a coddled dreamy university town reading, writing, drawing, and when I was not, ferociously rode my bike and sun bathed among the college and graduate students with beautiful minds. I lived half my childhood up in trees, had a free roaming little life that has become so rare in these times where I am raising my children. I suddenly became a teenager in Seoul Korea, where hearts were made to beat to pop culture and academic achievement… completely different and fascinating from what I had known to that moment. Toughness and a bit of spicy sass to withstand competition was the absolute cool. The blends of both lifestyles led me somehow to become a fashion major and afterwards a fashion PR girl in a most intoxicating fast moving Seoul fashion scene. Fell in love with the right guy, and after a few years somehow I find myself as a rookie at the Socal chill culture in San Diego. A Mama of 3 littles and supportive wife and best friend to my right guy in perfect beautiful San Diego. I am a collector, a never ending learner of all analogue and digital creative crafts and hobbies. I am a visual and lyrical story teller, telling intimate tales that generate from my table with my hungry loved one’s sitting by my side.

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